3 minutes and counting

Heather: Let's tell fortunes. Abe...I predict that you'll die alone.
Abe: I predict that you'll die in five minutes.

Since I now own a small pharmacy

Heather: I changed my mind. I'll be Canada. Free drugs for all!
Priscilla: Hooray! A socialist in our midst!

I can't remember a time before I was in line at Smiths.

So there I was, lying on the floor, sniffling away, debating about whether my happiness over the next few days was worth $10 in cold medicine and Kleenex, when Priscilla reminded me that I have a flexible spending card.

It's a good day to have benefits! I went to town - I bought $40 in cold medicine and other drugs that I haven't tried but sound delightful.

I think the customers around me were judgin'! They must have thought that I was either one inch from death or up to something shady.

But I'm pretty much set. For the next five years. Or until my medicine expires. And I still have $50 left for the year. I'm thinking of blowing that on contact solution. You know, in case I ever get contacts.

For The Office fans out there

::Heather and Jennifer grab an Oreo::

Heather: If I get the cream, you have to marry Dwight.
Jennifer: If I get the cream, you have to marry Kevin.

::They proceed. In a cruel, cruel twist of fate, Jennifer gets the cream::

Heather: ::Throws up her hands in despair:: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

TGIF

Priscilla: Did you know that the KKK came out with a line of candy?
Heather: I bet it was white chocolate.

I crack myself up

(paraphrased)

Sherry: What's the most awkward thing I can say when people ask us why we don't have kids yet?

Heather: Eric isn't allowed to be within 2000 feet of minors.