Monday, December 22, 2008

Baby, it's cold outside

Today, it snowed like crazy. As in the wrath of Mother Nature was beating down upon us like a woman scorned.

(at work)

Coworker: I don't think your little car will make it home!
Heather: I know....I might die.

(later)

Heather: I bequeath to you all the office supplies in my cubicle.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

"We hide our flaws until after the wedding!" - Name that movie (not Jennifer)

Happy Winter Solstice! This evening I ate dark chocolate to celebrate the darkest day of the year.


Hey! Stop judgin'.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

"Spread my legs and fly!"

On Thursday, I went with a partner to a board meeting to present the company's financial statements. Afterward, we went to the company's office to pick up something. As we were walking in, the partner saw someone he knew.

Someone He Knew: You brought your daughter to work!


Awkward!

Monday, December 15, 2008

"It's a Christmas miracle!"

Bless my roommates, who go along with my crazy ideas like sucking the helium from two dozen balloons and singing Christmas songs:


video

And some not-so-Christmasy songs:


video

Despite singing that entire song in my normal voice, that one's my favorite. It's just so...us.


I told my roommates that I would give 20 bucks to the lucky girl who took a helium balloon to church and bore her testimony in her squeaky voice. It's a good thing that no one took me up on that offer - it might have killed the mood. But it would have been a story to tell the kids about.

Retaliation


At least this isn't the birthing one.

Friday, December 12, 2008

"Don't shower until your wedding night!"

(as I'm liberally applying lip balm at work)

Horr the Partner: You've got to get those lips soft for the big date tonight!


And that's why I love my job.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

You know it's not Christmas until Santa's on the toilet

Now presenting the Best Toilet Seat Cover Ever:

When the lid is down...


But when the lid is up...


Now that's one Santa who isn't a pedophile.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

3 minutes and counting

Heather: Let's tell fortunes. Abe...I predict that you'll die alone.
Abe: I predict that you'll die in five minutes.

Since I now own a small pharmacy

Heather: I changed my mind. I'll be Canada. Free drugs for all!
Priscilla: Hooray! A socialist in our midst!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

I can't remember a time before I was in line at Smiths.

So there I was, lying on the floor, sniffling away, debating about whether my happiness over the next few days was worth $10 in cold medicine and Kleenex, when Priscilla reminded me that I have a flexible spending card.

It's a good day to have benefits! I went to town - I bought $40 in cold medicine and other drugs that I haven't tried but sound delightful.

I think the customers around me were judgin'! They must have thought that I was either one inch from death or up to something shady.

But I'm pretty much set. For the next five years. Or until my medicine expires. And I still have $50 left for the year. I'm thinking of blowing that on contact solution. You know, in case I ever get contacts.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

For The Office fans out there

::Heather and Jennifer grab an Oreo::

Heather: If I get the cream, you have to marry Dwight.
Jennifer: If I get the cream, you have to marry Kevin.

::They proceed. In a cruel, cruel twist of fate, Jennifer gets the cream::

Heather: ::Throws up her hands in despair:: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

Friday, November 14, 2008

TGIF

Priscilla: Did you know that the KKK came out with a line of candy?
Heather: I bet it was white chocolate.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I crack myself up

(paraphrased)

Sherry: What's the most awkward thing I can say when people ask us why we don't have kids yet?

Heather: Eric isn't allowed to be within 2000 feet of minors.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

It's such a mystery why I don't have a boyfriend

Ladies and gentlemen, with only slight apprehension I present to you...

Girls Gone Wild: Chubby Bunny Edition.

What can I say? I have no shame.

It all started out innocently enough.


Jennifer and I were the first to go on Mallow #5. Curse you, genetics and our non-stretchy cheeks.

Our winner, "Messica," promised to hurt me if I posted pictures of her, so here's our first runner up, Priscilla, in all her glory:


I dare say, I think that the chipmunk look is very good for me:

Yes, that is a yellow plastic ring shaped like a witch. Yes, I have amazing fashion taste.

So yeah, it was really gross. Never again. Never, never again.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

"Religion has left the room." - Cari

A couple of weeks ago, my roommates and I were feeling down in the dumps, so we whipped out a bottle of bubbly (read: Martinelli's) and plastic shot glasses.

We then took turns declaring our woes ("This is because I need a man!"), downing our shots in one gulp, and slamming our glasses on the table.

And we have a spare bottle on the kitchen counter in case of future emergencies.

And that's why my roommates are my favorites.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Speak up, sonny

Proof that I, now at the ripe age of 23, am so old that I'm practically an antique:

1. On Tuesday, Jessica made me stay up until 12:01 in order to open her present. I'm not going to lie; it was a struggle.

2. One of my birthday presents to myself was a cardigan. And it makes me happier than it should.

3. A gift I received was the game Rummikub. The only other person Priscilla has known to own it is her grandma.

4. I've been hobbling around like an old woman for the past two days.

5. My car randomly reeks of old man.

6. Some of my favorite radio stations are the ones that play the "best of the 80's, 90's, and now." With less emphasis on the "now."

7. When I see teenagers, I wrinkle my nose think, "Kids these days and their newfangled fashion. What a bunch of hooligans."

8. And, of course, there's the ol' knees. May they last another 22 years.

The Great Bambino

Priscilla, for reasons unbeknown to me, just watched the You Tube clip of Bambi's mom dying.

Priscilla: Why did Bambi's mom have to die? What happened to her after she died?
Heather: She was eaten, probably.

(later)

Priscilla: Deer are so delicious.

Friday, October 3, 2008

"Persecuting Ugly Family Friends"

I have a bump on my head from when I, um, dropped my cell phone on it.

THAT'S embarrassing.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Time for a run

It's been one of those evenings where you can't do anything but yell with exasperation, "Lord, give me patience!"

And then He says, "Girl, please! Not when you ask like that!"

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Muahaha

BYU football is #8 in the AP Top 25.

I'm not going to lie; I screamed when I found out.

This may be the happiest moment of my life.

It'll be awkward if he's a guy

Heather (to Jennifer): I'll name my first-born child after you if you throw away my plate and get me some water.
Jennifer: Okay.

Hmm, I feel like I just sold my birthright for a mess of pottage...

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Bring it

So there I was, innocently munching on Honey Nut Scooters on Jennifer's bedroom floor. Jennifer was on her bed, doing homework.

And then, as I am often known to do, I got an irresistible urge.

"SCOOTERS ATTACK!!!"

I flung a handful of scooters at her.

I think that deep down, she liked it. Especially when she found scooters in her bed when she woke up the next morning.

***

Scooters attacks led to Smarties attacks. And then those led to the richest plum of them all...

***

Jennifer has vanilla body spray of wonder and joy.

Jessica hates it with the fiery passion of her soul. So fiery, even, that she relabeled it "Grossness in a Bottle."

And then today, as Jessica was sitting on the couch, I sprang into the room with The Spray.

"VANILLA ATTACK!!!!!"

A few spritzes, an enraged scream, water getting dumped on me, and lots of hysterical laughter.

Muahahaha.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Free fallin'

So over the summer, I went to a John Mayer concert. I was kind of hoping that he would come on stage by jumping out of a plane while playing a guitar, but alas, I only bought a $35 ticket.

But hey, Johnny, if you're out there, it would be brilliant. I would even pay $36 for that.

It's a good time to be a Cougar

So, BYU football. UCLA.

I dare say, we didn't just beat them. We pinned them down, cut them open, poured salt in their wounds, rubbed it around for a while, set them on fire, and then sat back and laughed manically as they went home crying to their mommies.

Poor guys should have just ran back to the bus during half time.

Muahaha.

BYU 59 - UCLA 0.

I bought a 30-pack of tortillas today at the grocery store. Fiesta Bowl, here we come!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Lon po po

I have to be at work tomorrow at 6:45. I'm the saddest girl in the world.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

You may call me Master Heather

I did it. I finally graduated. I was just a little excited.


At one point during convocation, I thought that I had a giant lump in my throat, but it turns out that was just my hood strangling me.


Hooray!

Monday, August 4, 2008

I'm too delicious

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night furiously scratching my mosquito bites.

I mean, of course I didn't scratch my bug bites like a five-year old child, because I know that doing that makes them itch like a kid with lice and swell up to the size of quarters, and when you have five bites on ONE foot, doing that will make you look like a diseased carcass when you show up to swimming class the next day.

And that would be gross.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

In case you're wondering

Today I ran 2 miles, biked about 7, and swam 700m, and can I say, oof! I forgot how hard biking is on the rump!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

For the record, I was winning.

Someone in my apartment is not afraid to blast the air conditioner. It's almost 90 outside and I just changed into a long-sleeved shirt.

It's time to go put more frozen corn on my eye - I got kicked in the face today. In a fight. By which I mean playing sharks and minnows in swim class. I mean - WHGT! JGTH! YES I'M AWESOME!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I better keep my phone on

Priscilla's coming home tomorrow!

I've been practicing my screams for when she calls me. I can't decide between shrieking "PRISCILLA!!!" or "PAUL!!!"

But it will probably end up more like, "AAHHHHHEEEEEEEENEVERLEAVEMEAGAIN!!!!!!!!"

Friday, July 11, 2008

Diarrhea

Horror of horrors! The Great Bird Poop Incident of 2006 has struck again!

I had to park in the very back of the parking lot this morning so that my coworkers wouldn't judge.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

The swing of your hips

This afternoon, I came home from work, eager to rip off my work clothes and put on some shorts.

Alas! All my shorts were dirty - even my five pairs of man shorts. Wretched, wretched world, why didn't I do laundry earlier? What was a girl to do?

I had to leave for class in ten minutes, and I couldn't possibly wear pants. Not necessarily because it was sweltering outside, or because I still have a vain hope of turning my legs from cadaverous to pasty, but because my calves needed to be free!

Naturally, I grabbed a pair of khakis and cut them down to size.

No, I kid! I'm an accountant! We're much too prudent to destroy a pair of pants on a whim! I paid for those lower pant legs! But, as it turned out, my pants, bless them, had a stain below the knee.

So I sported brilliant cut offs to class today. But I did save my severed pant legs. Because, you know. They might come in handy one day. Maybe. Arm warmers, anyone?

Sunday, July 6, 2008

I live on the wild side

I'm such a rebel. On Thursday, I went to work in a skirt with no nylons on.


And I'm never going back.

Friday, July 4, 2008

"Mmm...smokey."

When I got to class yesterday, I looked in my book bag to find my iPod, two tubes of lip gloss, no notebook, and no pen.

I have my priorities straight...

Friday, June 20, 2008

Snoopy Ski School

So, I'm in California to visit the family for a few days. On Thursday, my dad took my sister and I boating.

What's this? You want to see pictures? Well, if you insist.

First, we did a little of this:


Don't ask me what I'm doing in this picture, because I have no idea. Clearly, I'm not looking at the camera. Oh, and please notice the hideous green clip in my hair. I didn't bring any clips with me to California, so I had to make d0 from what's in the house.

Next, I did some of this:

This was when I had decided to not wear gloves. Foolish, foolish girl. On the bright side, my skis matched my outfit, and that made me happier than it should have.

Next, I did a tiny bit of this:

Do not let this picture fool you - I am the world's worst wake boarder. The fact that this picture even exists is a testament to Jennifer's photography skills. Jennifer is much, much better than me:


And then, because I was completely exhausted, I decided to knee board, because it was easier. There was a slight problem, though - I forgot how much strength it took to pull myself up on the board, so the first several minutes went like this:

Please note the agony on my face as I struggled to get up. But eventually, I made it:


And last but not least, here's a picture of the kind soul who drove us around all day:

Thanks, Dad. It was amazing.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

"He hung up his bag of jokes."

I don't often post about work, because, well, people who do tend to get fired. But here we go.

Enter, hmm, let's call him Horrace, because (1) I think he'd hate that name, and (2) I'm going to call him Horr for short, and if there's anything that makes me snicker, it's nicknaming someone Horr.

So, Horr is a partner at The Firm. Tall. Gray hair. Owns a clock that plays love songs on the hour. BYU sports fan. Favorite pastime is to sneak up behind me and scare of the living daylights out of me - whether or not I'm on the phone. It makes him giggle like a school girl. It makes me paranoid.

Earlier this week, Horr came up to my cube and asked me if I had read any of Stephanie Meyer's books.

I replied that I had, completely expecting him to make fun of me relentlessly.

"I'm in the middle of Eclipse right now, and Bella keeps making me so angry!"


Wow. Wasn't expecting that. But that's what he's my favorite.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Curses, foiled again

I regret to inform you that Charlotte has gone to a better place. Jennifer offed her this afternoon.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Peace on Earth

There's a spider living in my room. I named her Charlotte.

We have an unspoken agreement - as long as she chills on Jennifer's side of the ceiling, we shall remain friends.

But the second her sinister, spindly legs come stalking in my direction, or the moment I notice her peering at me thirstily with her beady little eyes...WA-BAM!

(By which I mean that I'll run out of the room shrieking for Kristen to come kill her. Because that's how I roll.)

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

It's about time

Today, I did what I had been meaning to do since tax season - close my Wells Fargo savings account so I can actually earn interest elsewhere.

Banker: Have you talked to any of our investment bankers? They have some options that would give you a better interest rate than you're getting now.
Heather: That's not hard to do, seeing how I'm getting .10% now.


Looking back, I suppose I was a little rude....But let's be honest. Wells Fargo is the worst bank ever.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

A typical conversation

Jennifer: "I'm on your Wells Fargo account right now, by the way."
Heather: "Hey, I didn't give you permission to log on whenever you please. What if one day you log on and find out that I have $100,000 and that I'm a drug dealer?"

Friday, June 6, 2008

Esperanza Rising

So last night, Jennifer and I were, um, “pleasured” to watch BYU’s production of “Esperanza Rising.” So you’ll never have to see it/read the book, here it is, Heatha-style:

Cue the curtain. We began, appropriately, with a maid trying to get Esperanza to rise, but she was just not feelin’ it. But it was her twelfth birthday, after all, so she grudgingly got out of bed, and whined about having to wear a white ribbon instead of a red one, and whined about how everyone always gives her fruit on her birthday, etc., etc., etc.

And then Miguel walked in – a boy around Esperanza’s age who works on the ranch. He is a better person than I am, because he tried to play around with her. Of course, that’s not kosher, because he was born on the other side of the tracks, ya know? But he is a good soul, so he gave her some mangos. And, let me tell you, she was not pleased. If I were him, I would have taken that mango and beaned her with it between the eyes. But once again, he is a better person than I.

The rest of the day went normally – more people gave her fruit, her evil overlord uncle and his henchman gave her a gourd, etc., etc., etc. – until her dad was killed by a bandit. And then, mid-gasp of horror, we thought – wait a second! We don’t care! Because that girl is working our nerves. And at least her dad has peace now. We don't.

So then the evil uncle overlord told Esperanza’s mom that she he wants to marry her. And she was like, “Back that truck up! I just buried the man two minutes ago, and you give me the jibblies! At least give me an hour!”

But an hour was too long, because Esperanza’s house mysteriously burned down. After all, we had to find some way to get this plot rolling! So her evil overlord uncle refused to take care of her family unless her mom agrees to get hitched. And, if she does, Esperanza will – oh, the horror! – be sent to boarding school, where she would be separated from her mom.

Now if I were her mom, I would have been seriously weighing the pros and the cons here – rich evil overlord or obnoxious-beyond-belief child? That’s a toss up. And the evil overlord uncle does wear a fabulous pinstripe suit.

But, her mom couldn’t stand that thought, of course. So she went into hiding and sent Esperanza off to America with Miguel and his mom, to chill with some field workers, so – oh, the horror! – she was separated from her mother anyway.

So then it was intermission. I started to pray that Miguel would hand me a mango, because (1) it smelled like Jamba Juice, and a mango was sounding scrumptious, and (2) I really would have liked to chuck something at that girl.

So they made it to California, with Esperanza (hereby known as The Whinerpants) complaining every step of the way. We all waited with bated breath for The Whinerpants to have a huge slice of humble pie. But, tragically, it never really came. It was more of a pie crumb, if you will.

She was too young to go working, so she sat at home and waited for the mailwoman to come by every day – but there was never anything for her. Day after day. Month after month. Sob.

So The Whinerpants decided to go to work to save money to bring her mom up to California, whether she likes it or not. And then we thought, “Girl, please! Settle yourself down! You don’t work!” But nevertheless, she took over the job of a lady who felt like stayin’ home with the baby, and saved her pennies. And after many moons, she almost had enough.

And then immigration showed up and did a sweep of the area. And we all peered over the rims of our spectacles and thought, “Hmm…that immigrations officer looks mysteriously like the mailwoman. Mail delivery doesn't pay too well these days, eh?”

And then all the migrant workers had a fiesta. And we were really forced to check our eyes, because lo and behold, the immigrations officer/mailwoman was there again, in the midst of the throng!

Back inside, because she was soooo not going dancing outside, Esperanza had a big fight with a Miguel, where she ever-so-characteristically called him a peasant. And she stormed out on him, even though he’s the one that should have popped her eyes out.

And then Miguel stole all of Esperanza’s money and disappeared. And we were all like, “Oh no you didn’t!” And then she was all like, “Oh yes he did!”

And so The Whinerpants had to start saving all over, and she was sooooo steamed at Miguel and the stinkin’ roses he hauled all the way from Mexico! But not really. But she was feeling a little lonely.

So she flung herself to the ground to hear the earth breathing. So I exhaled really loudly. She cried that she couldn’t hear anything. Harrumph. She clearly wasn’t listening hard enough.

But then there were some cheesy analogies, and I half expected some “Full House” music to play in the background. And then, surprise of surprises, Miguel came back…with her mom in tow! Gosh, he tricked us! He wasn’t full of teenage angst and rebellion after all. Although he isn’t a peasant, you hear?

And then the curtains drop. The end.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Go ahead and judge.

I'm currently in the library studying for a Midterm of Doom (doom...doom...).

I picked up my textbook to read it upright for a while, and two sticks of gum fell out! It's like Christmas came early!

Monday, May 26, 2008

The Sister Special

So apparently the birds in Alpine, UT are suicidal. This morning, I almost ran over four of them. FOUR. And I definitely screamed every time it almost happened.


I think that deep down, Jennifer secretly loved it.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Morning routine

This morning, I was woken up to my phone ringing.

"Hi Heather, did you call the BYU Health Center this morning?"

"Um...no."

"Oh. A Heather called Urgent Care this morning, but we don't remember who."



I'm surprised that they don't have Caller ID or something that records phone numbers. What if someone calls and keels over, mid-sentence? (Yikes, maybe that's what happened...)


No matter what ensued, I wouldn't want to be the one calling hundreds of Heathers on a Saturday morning.

Monday, May 12, 2008

You see why I need it

In an effort to not die too young, I've started taking a multivitamin. The directions say to take it with food.

I just took it with Tootsies. Does that count?


Maybe I'll chase it with a tortilla chip.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

It was all that and a bag of tortilla chips.

Monday was Cinco de Mayo, and I celebrated it, white-girl style - with pounds of chips and salsa, virgin strawberry daiquiris, a piñata cow named Pepito, and shouting olé! more than both you and I had ever thought humanly possible.

Question: How had I gone my entire life without every celebrating this blessed holiday? I have no good answers for you. Because I haven't had this much fun since Earth Day.

The bad news is that all the piñata-ing and daiquiri-ing left me completely wired so that I didn't get to bed until three. And then I woke up and had piñata candy for breakfast. And then I spent the rest of the day in a sugar-induced hangover that left me feeling ill every time I moved my head. And believe me, you move your head much more than you realize.

But today I'm feeling spiffy, and I still have two bags of tortilla chips left. Siete de Mayo, anyone?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

The times we've shared

One day when I was a freshman in college and my youngest sister was 10, I told her that if she stuck a pancake in her CD-ROM drive, she could email it to me.


It's a good thing that she didn't believe me. My parents would have killed me.


I really did want a pancake, though.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

"Especially when you wear your pink flip flops."

So, the real lesson of my last post should be to Never. Do. That. Much. Laundry. Ever. EVER. It sucked away my soul and left me moaning on the floor to please, please, sweet mother of pearl, make it stop.

And I left the last load of clean laundry lingering in the basket until, um, this afternoon. (I thought about throwing a blanket over it to hide it for old time's sake, but was too weary even for that.)

But the real reason for this post is that I have to confess that on the same day I was professing to have too many clothes, I bought a new shirt. But - there's always a but! - it's yellow with colored polka dots and really, is there a better way to usher in spring than to wear a yellow polka-dotted shirt with my new pink flip flops that don't completely match but I wear them anyway? I submit there is not. And if that's not enough to convince you, the shirt was only four dollars. So there.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

There goes another roll of quarters

Today I bucked down and did nine loads of laundry - six of clothes and three of bedding.

Two important facts can be gleaned from this situation:

1. I got a bit behind during tax season.

2. I have way too many clothes.


I promise, I'm giving some of it away this summer. Really.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Why I go to FHE

On Sunday, my cousin went to show me her mice, Cookies and Cream.

Actually, I only saw Cream. You see, poor Cookies squeaked her last after my cousin, bless her heart, "accidentally sat on her."

And then I was forced to try to solemnly console my dear cousin while positively chuckling inside. I'm not going to lie. It was tricky.


And that's how the cookie crumbled.

I felt like Janssen

On Sunday, a lady was surprised to hear that I'm in grad school.

"You don't look like you're old enough to be in school. You look like you're 18 or 19."


Yikes, I didn't think that my haircut made me look that young.


But it's better than being a sixth grader. :)

I promise I don't hate the environment

For Earth Day today, I didn't ride my bike to work, swear off television, or take a 30-second cold shower.


But I did eat "dirt" with some of my friends (in disposable cups...whoops). I sense a tradition coming on...

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Today, on my first Saturday off since January,

I bought a pair of pink flip flops.

Did I need yet another pair of flip flops? No.

Do I even own anything in the same shade of pink? No.

Was I about to let that stop me? Of course not. I can now buy a shirt to match.

Friday, April 18, 2008

On Thursday morning,

I strolled into work and opened Outlook. This is always slightly terrifying, because my inbox is usually teetering with urgent emails that needed answering two hours ago.

But this time, there was only one email waiting for me - from HR.

It said:

"Heather, we are trying to reassign some clients and we were wondering what your plans for maternity leave are."

Good heavens, I hope I won't be taking maternity leave anytime soon! I think that miracle was meant to only happen once...

"This song is dedicated to you, from the man outside our window."

The song: Every Breath You Take. Yes, I crack myself up. No, I'm not ashamed.

To all you American Idol fans out there,

I don't want David Archuleta to win. Sorry. Actually, I'm not sorry. I think he's boring.

The best part of tax season being over

is that when I left work at 5:02 today, there were only six cars left in the parking lot. Brilliant.

Heather Trying to Get a Tan: Day 2

Over the past two days, I've spent over an hour and a half in the sun. Why am I not a bronze beauty yet??