Friday, June 20, 2008

Snoopy Ski School

So, I'm in California to visit the family for a few days. On Thursday, my dad took my sister and I boating.

What's this? You want to see pictures? Well, if you insist.

First, we did a little of this:

Don't ask me what I'm doing in this picture, because I have no idea. Clearly, I'm not looking at the camera. Oh, and please notice the hideous green clip in my hair. I didn't bring any clips with me to California, so I had to make d0 from what's in the house.

Next, I did some of this:

This was when I had decided to not wear gloves. Foolish, foolish girl. On the bright side, my skis matched my outfit, and that made me happier than it should have.

Next, I did a tiny bit of this:

Do not let this picture fool you - I am the world's worst wake boarder. The fact that this picture even exists is a testament to Jennifer's photography skills. Jennifer is much, much better than me:

And then, because I was completely exhausted, I decided to knee board, because it was easier. There was a slight problem, though - I forgot how much strength it took to pull myself up on the board, so the first several minutes went like this:

Please note the agony on my face as I struggled to get up. But eventually, I made it:

And last but not least, here's a picture of the kind soul who drove us around all day:

Thanks, Dad. It was amazing.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

"He hung up his bag of jokes."

I don't often post about work, because, well, people who do tend to get fired. But here we go.

Enter, hmm, let's call him Horrace, because (1) I think he'd hate that name, and (2) I'm going to call him Horr for short, and if there's anything that makes me snicker, it's nicknaming someone Horr.

So, Horr is a partner at The Firm. Tall. Gray hair. Owns a clock that plays love songs on the hour. BYU sports fan. Favorite pastime is to sneak up behind me and scare of the living daylights out of me - whether or not I'm on the phone. It makes him giggle like a school girl. It makes me paranoid.

Earlier this week, Horr came up to my cube and asked me if I had read any of Stephanie Meyer's books.

I replied that I had, completely expecting him to make fun of me relentlessly.

"I'm in the middle of Eclipse right now, and Bella keeps making me so angry!"

Wow. Wasn't expecting that. But that's what he's my favorite.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Curses, foiled again

I regret to inform you that Charlotte has gone to a better place. Jennifer offed her this afternoon.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Peace on Earth

There's a spider living in my room. I named her Charlotte.

We have an unspoken agreement - as long as she chills on Jennifer's side of the ceiling, we shall remain friends.

But the second her sinister, spindly legs come stalking in my direction, or the moment I notice her peering at me thirstily with her beady little eyes...WA-BAM!

(By which I mean that I'll run out of the room shrieking for Kristen to come kill her. Because that's how I roll.)

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

It's about time

Today, I did what I had been meaning to do since tax season - close my Wells Fargo savings account so I can actually earn interest elsewhere.

Banker: Have you talked to any of our investment bankers? They have some options that would give you a better interest rate than you're getting now.
Heather: That's not hard to do, seeing how I'm getting .10% now.

Looking back, I suppose I was a little rude....But let's be honest. Wells Fargo is the worst bank ever.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

A typical conversation

Jennifer: "I'm on your Wells Fargo account right now, by the way."
Heather: "Hey, I didn't give you permission to log on whenever you please. What if one day you log on and find out that I have $100,000 and that I'm a drug dealer?"

Friday, June 6, 2008

Esperanza Rising

So last night, Jennifer and I were, um, “pleasured” to watch BYU’s production of “Esperanza Rising.” So you’ll never have to see it/read the book, here it is, Heatha-style:

Cue the curtain. We began, appropriately, with a maid trying to get Esperanza to rise, but she was just not feelin’ it. But it was her twelfth birthday, after all, so she grudgingly got out of bed, and whined about having to wear a white ribbon instead of a red one, and whined about how everyone always gives her fruit on her birthday, etc., etc., etc.

And then Miguel walked in – a boy around Esperanza’s age who works on the ranch. He is a better person than I am, because he tried to play around with her. Of course, that’s not kosher, because he was born on the other side of the tracks, ya know? But he is a good soul, so he gave her some mangos. And, let me tell you, she was not pleased. If I were him, I would have taken that mango and beaned her with it between the eyes. But once again, he is a better person than I.

The rest of the day went normally – more people gave her fruit, her evil overlord uncle and his henchman gave her a gourd, etc., etc., etc. – until her dad was killed by a bandit. And then, mid-gasp of horror, we thought – wait a second! We don’t care! Because that girl is working our nerves. And at least her dad has peace now. We don't.

So then the evil uncle overlord told Esperanza’s mom that she he wants to marry her. And she was like, “Back that truck up! I just buried the man two minutes ago, and you give me the jibblies! At least give me an hour!”

But an hour was too long, because Esperanza’s house mysteriously burned down. After all, we had to find some way to get this plot rolling! So her evil overlord uncle refused to take care of her family unless her mom agrees to get hitched. And, if she does, Esperanza will – oh, the horror! – be sent to boarding school, where she would be separated from her mom.

Now if I were her mom, I would have been seriously weighing the pros and the cons here – rich evil overlord or obnoxious-beyond-belief child? That’s a toss up. And the evil overlord uncle does wear a fabulous pinstripe suit.

But, her mom couldn’t stand that thought, of course. So she went into hiding and sent Esperanza off to America with Miguel and his mom, to chill with some field workers, so – oh, the horror! – she was separated from her mother anyway.

So then it was intermission. I started to pray that Miguel would hand me a mango, because (1) it smelled like Jamba Juice, and a mango was sounding scrumptious, and (2) I really would have liked to chuck something at that girl.

So they made it to California, with Esperanza (hereby known as The Whinerpants) complaining every step of the way. We all waited with bated breath for The Whinerpants to have a huge slice of humble pie. But, tragically, it never really came. It was more of a pie crumb, if you will.

She was too young to go working, so she sat at home and waited for the mailwoman to come by every day – but there was never anything for her. Day after day. Month after month. Sob.

So The Whinerpants decided to go to work to save money to bring her mom up to California, whether she likes it or not. And then we thought, “Girl, please! Settle yourself down! You don’t work!” But nevertheless, she took over the job of a lady who felt like stayin’ home with the baby, and saved her pennies. And after many moons, she almost had enough.

And then immigration showed up and did a sweep of the area. And we all peered over the rims of our spectacles and thought, “Hmm…that immigrations officer looks mysteriously like the mailwoman. Mail delivery doesn't pay too well these days, eh?”

And then all the migrant workers had a fiesta. And we were really forced to check our eyes, because lo and behold, the immigrations officer/mailwoman was there again, in the midst of the throng!

Back inside, because she was soooo not going dancing outside, Esperanza had a big fight with a Miguel, where she ever-so-characteristically called him a peasant. And she stormed out on him, even though he’s the one that should have popped her eyes out.

And then Miguel stole all of Esperanza’s money and disappeared. And we were all like, “Oh no you didn’t!” And then she was all like, “Oh yes he did!”

And so The Whinerpants had to start saving all over, and she was sooooo steamed at Miguel and the stinkin’ roses he hauled all the way from Mexico! But not really. But she was feeling a little lonely.

So she flung herself to the ground to hear the earth breathing. So I exhaled really loudly. She cried that she couldn’t hear anything. Harrumph. She clearly wasn’t listening hard enough.

But then there were some cheesy analogies, and I half expected some “Full House” music to play in the background. And then, surprise of surprises, Miguel came back…with her mom in tow! Gosh, he tricked us! He wasn’t full of teenage angst and rebellion after all. Although he isn’t a peasant, you hear?

And then the curtains drop. The end.