"You're the office witch."

(at church)

Heather: There is a spider in my bathroom waiting to kill me.
Dustin: Is it a big spider or a tiny one?

(pause)

Heather: I don't want to talk about it.

After church, Dustin and his two Fearless Roommates came over to kill the spider in my bathroom and another one on my ceiling - which, shudder, Fearless Roommate killed with his bare hands.

(after leaving my condo)

Fearless Roommate: And they want equal rights.

Obama Willing

I got a new car. 2009 Honda Civic. Brilliant blue. Cup holders. A low fuel light. It can actually go into fourth gear. And travel uphill. I know - I am living the dream.

The birds like it, too. In fact, one such bird desecrated my poor, poor passenger window. My car is too young to have seen such horrors!

On Saturday, I finally decided to have some pride and get my car washed. On the way, I saw a youth fundraiser for $3, and decided to stop on by. Some small children started scrubbing away.

Until they got to the passenger side. "SICK! LOOK AT ALL OF THAT BIRD POOP!"

Quiet, you! You will earn your three dollars!

They brought in some adult reinforcements. I left with my car sparkling in the sun.

For one day. Until the birds got it again.

What tax accountants do in the summer time

That is several staff members' months of 10-key tape. Thanks for not firing me.

"Is it true that Mark pranced around the office, tossing out ice cream bars like daisies?"

Heather: What would you do if I went to California with Kyle by myself?
Jennfer: I don't think I would approve.
Heather: It's not like we're going to be fornicating.
Kyle: Oh...we're not?
Heather: Uh...does that mean I'm out? Darn, I'll have to find something else to do April 16th.

"While it lasted...but it left me with indigestion."

Glory be! I'm free from studying for the next two months!

For your enjoyment, a typo from my notes on estates:

"In presence of witnesses who sin in the presence of each other."

Ho ho!

"Can I call you Bobby?"

Today, I played Oregon Trail to celebrate Chinese New Year - the year of the ox. And it was brilliant. By which I mean the fellow I was playing with got sick and died, and everyone else on my wagon came down with a nasty case of the runs.

And I also swapped out the fortunes in fortune cookies with some better ones, like this little gem:

"You will die alone."

It was a good night.

"My glutes are aching!" "Do you want me to massage them for you?"

Confession:

I have a tall bed. For months now, I've been harboring a not-so-secret desire to buy a mini trampoline for my bedroom so that I can jump on it and fly on to my bed. Doesn't that sound fabulous?

Hey! Stop your judgin'.

"My gaydar isn't fine tuned."

Today I went to a party where I met a boy and we talked about menstruation.

There is a first time for everything.

Oh, and let the record show that I did not bring that topic up.